All things Patti... where to begin?
There have been so many changes -both inside and out- that, at times, I surprise myself. It's sort of like when you hide Christmas presents around the house in July and forget them in December and then find them the following March... "Whaaa? Shit! I could of used that a few months ago!" Or, it can be like finding a once delicious piece of candy in the couch cushions. It used to be yummy but now it's old and covered with lint and dog hair.
What in the hell am I even talking about?
My life. My daily life as well as the rambling I do inside my head. The life and the ideals I held so close are now falling away and I seem to be watching from someplace else. Closed-circuit camera captures my garden falling apart and becoming something I used to do. Books I read and re-read are now covered with dust on a bookshelf. My canning jars sit unused in the basement and I shop for frozen foods. Who I am and who I was changes more every day. I seem neither sad or happy about it... I just am.
What makes me sad? My marriage seems to have hit a level of complacement previously thought impossible. We nod, we smile, we kiss goodbye but rarely hello. Stress is the easy one to blame; the economy is as worse as it has ever been in our 25. yr marriage but somehow, I think it's more. I blame myself out of habit. Of course this is my fault. I'm the crazy one that makes less money. Past that one fact, I have nothin'.
My sadness mixes with joy as I watch my children grow and leave. The sadness is not the 'empty nest' thing; not really. I'm sure it comes from a place of dread for my children and the struggles they will face in this country's economy. I do acknowledge a secret "class warfare" and long time readers' know I love a good conspiracy theory. The middle class is being eliminated. How will my children survive unless people wake up? I laugh when I hear the GOP talk about job creation and helping entrepreneurs create jobs. Creating a minimum wage job is not what I consider progress. It an 'oppress'. This lie of working at minimum wage, lifting one's self up and making one's self better is just that; a lie. As our country revert's back to conservative leadership due to fear, bigotry and greed, I worry for my children and their future.
I have a grandson. His name is Aiden and he is love of my life and is part of the most difficult, complicated situation I struggle with on a daily basis. He lives, in a low income, high crime area with my daughter and his father. My daughter works everyday and his dad goes to school full time at night. As young as they are, Aiden's parents have made some bad decisions and that is where my conundrum enters- how much can I help them? Too much is enabling and not any is cruel, especially since the tide is turning against the poor in fear of the all evil Socialism. My mental dilemma is how do I help them without hurting both them and my own home?
So- what in the hell makes me happy? I am, as it turn's out, a simple spirit. My dogs make me happy. Cute, sweet and funny, everyday with my furkids keeps me present. My content and loved dogs only know that they love me and that's all. I need a love with no complications.
Bread. From the measure to the rise to baking and the scent, bread fills me with happiness. It also fills my jeans with butt and that does not make me happy. *Sigh* Another conundrum.
As I sort all of this out in my head and on the monitor screen, I thank you. The few that read this and the fewer that comment, thank you for being here and for glancing into yet another dusty corner of my life.